Currently Say You Will By Fleetwood Mac Everybody Finds Out see related

*My first mistake was to smile at you*

I did something really stupid. I mean, in the grand scheme of things of done, this is high up there on the list of stupidity..Actually not just one. Two.. One I was sober for. The other, pretty much drunk.. And I feel like a jackass.. I still love John.. But I don't know if I'm 'in love' with John.. It's one disappointment after another... And it's not his fault.. It's who he is, and who he will always be.. And I know that's not enough for me.. I want pink hair. Or purple, or how ever the hell else I want it.. I don't want someone saying, even if they're joking, how to dye, cut or style my hair. And a muted lime green house with chocolate trim... And hot pink and bright blue and green and red and orange and yellow walls. And white.. I want freedom, and as long as I'm with him I don't think I'll ever really have it.. I was telling Lauren tonight how I dream of having twins, one boy and one girl.. I would name the boy Jackson Reilly after my favorite painter Jackson Pollock.. The Reilly part is a tribute to my Irish ancestry... The girl I would name Magellan Rosemarie.. Magellan after only the most awesome explorer!!!! And Rosemarie in memomy of Carla's mom.... Then I can call them Jack & Maggie (ala Hook)... I can see it now.. Being barefoot and pregnant.. Then watching my beautiful, blond, curly haired children running free in the grass barefoot.. They would have so many enriching things in their life.. I would teach them to paint, and to read at such a young age.. I would constantly be reading to them, because even now I'm never without a book... Or my crayons... I would leave them free to their choices even from a young age so that they learn independence.. Within reason that is... There would be music and homemade cookies.. They would grow up on Classic Rock and whatever suits my mood at that time.. I would school them in the amazing way of lip-syncing to bad 80's music.. They would have a piano and whatever the hell else they want... But mostly they would have freedom, and 2 parents that love them more than anything in the world..

*I should've turned away and ran. As fast as I can*

I was talking to Kari about my unhappiness in my relationship.. It's at the point where it's not just one thing, it's everything and it's really bringing me down.. I explained to her how stupid I was to listen to her mother and stay and try to make it work, that in time I can change John's mind on children... Her solution?? Get pregnant.. If he has no choice but to face it then he'll learn to accept it.. I looked at her like she was from another fucking planet.. I could never do something like that.. Children should be born from love, not entrapment.. Sometimes she's warped... My heart hurts because I don't want to hurt him... I do love him, but I don't think it's meant to be.. If it was, I don't think I would have the reservations I have.. I would have moved in with him the first time he offered... I need color and light and laughter.. He's all about the dark and the bar.. We are so different.. I had wished we would balance each other out, but it's not.. It's causing more heartache than it's worth at times...

But yet I do love him.

The Ocean is Your Blanket

 “The ocean is your blanket”

Those words blared through my speakers on a warm May afternoon. It was my favorite kind of day. You could just taste the air. I don’t know what makes it special. It could be the velvety feeling of the sun pouring through the sunroof, or the pulse of music through my veins, beating in time to the breeze whipping my hair into my eyes. At that very moment it was just me, my Breeze and the open road. One of my favorite things about May term at Moravian was driving to Quakertown to pick up Meg. It was the simplest of things, and yet it made me burst with happiness. The road winded through the mountains of the Lehigh Valley, twisting and taking me from the familiar into uncharted territory. Until my junior year I rarely ventured from the Valley during college. Here, on the road, I was in my element. There was no one to judge what I was doing. I was free to think and breathe and act how I pleased. I could play whatever song I wanted and I didn’t have to worry that someone didn’t like it. I liked to use this time to sit and think. Where will I be in 10 years? Marriage? Children? What career path will I choose? Who will I become? It was on that road that I could be myself. I realized how much I hated being stifled. I want pink hair. I want to dance and sing to 80’s songs into a hair brush. I was free at college, and nothing could take that freedom away. I realized just how precious time was while in that car. As fast as I could drive, life was passing me by. I was always reserved, playing the role of the dutiful daughter, the good student. I didn’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to be that girl.